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reminder....? [Jul. 26th, 2007|09:24 pm]
Ok... so at the moment, i'm bored.
Amanda's out 'splorn'
I'm in cukn... ok... no cukn tonight 'cause i had too much food handed to me so i could get work done today... but got little done... 'cause my brain is dead right now.

I actually started to write today because i wanted to remind myself of a bigger entry i want to write another day. It's about 'Circles of Life'... and i remember to remember it this way to remind myself another day because that's what i told amanda i wanted to write about and so i told her to remind me and say 'you wanted to write an entry about 'circles of life''.
So there... that's my reminder.


So is that good enough to remember it? Probably not. I have to remember how i thought about it, and where my mind went when i got the idea, or otherwise when i do write it it will be garbled and soooo not as poetic as it could be if i tried hard and remembered everything i wanted to say. (yes rich, you can be pathetic poetic)  ok... the rememberances go like this:  I'm walking out of a theater with amanda after just having seen 'rattatoullie' with her (my choice, 'cause i love pixar) and i wanted to stay and watch the credits, she wanted to go, i said there's fun stuff after the credits, she said she had to go to the rest room, i said i'd wait for her in the theater watching the credits, she says ok, she goes, i ponder, then i go out after her, i go the mens room, i wait for her to come of of the ladies, and i see her come from the theater 'cause i said i'd be there and we have a 'cute' moment... and i have a mentally very sad moment.  It was sad because i thought of my friend rebecca and how she always told me to stay and watch the credits with her... that i should watch the whole thing including the credits and everything after until the lights in the theater come on and the crew starts cleaning.  Her point at the time was just that 'you never know what might happen after the credits, or who you'll see in the credits(you might see someone you know)... and it's good respect to those that put in all that effort'.  I tolerated this at first, then i enjoyed it after doing this with her for 5+years.  I adore that girl... and i envy her outlook on life.

Without actually writing the entry (why am i trying to avoid writing it?) i want to get other things in:  i thought of my tendancy to 'stay till everyone's left the house' at parties... just to people watch with the way things wind down.  i even like to stay and watch the sunrise at an old apartment overlooking an intersection, just to get to see everything end and begin again.  and that's what i want out of life... i want to stick around long enough to see the end, and way past the end, and to the point where it begins again.  I used to take life as piecemeal, because i was afraid of missing something new and exciting so i'd take only samples of each part of life... but it's just not as comforting as absorbing just one thing to it's fullest.  One home, one job, one girl.  I can be content with having each of these i currently have... forever... so long as amanda's ok with that :-).

ah ha!  that's why i wanted to keep it short... 'cause i wanted to finish by the time amanda got home.  and she is... and i'm done ;-)
love you all,
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re-posted from Myspace... "Dude, i know i'm never around!" [Sep. 8th, 2006|02:50 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |ani defranco]

i wanted to say a few things... and please dont think i'm brushing people off. It will be a ramble of crap in my head i want to get out... but if you're patient with me enought to be my friend already then this shouldn't be such a shock:
I just dont post often at all. I rarely feel in the mood to post, and if i do, i'm usually on the run somewhere away from my computer... and by the time i come back to it, i'm not in the mood anymore. I don't feel like i'm being selfish really... i mean, if i have a great moment, i share it with those i see in person... i dont feel like i have to share it with the world. I am not insulting those who do feel like posting that way, just frustrated that i feel like other's are hinting that i'm neglecting them all online. Or even in person! I have a phone, but i dont use it much to call friends... mostly because i'm just content to say hi at random. And if you do the math with the word 'random' that could mean an infinately variant amount of time can pass between one call and the next. ok... so i'm a sucky friend... and i've spent much of my social time with a new girl who has kind of nuzzled her way into my life. But this is me. like me or not. Please like me, but don't expect a lot of attention. I've become pretty used to being self-sufficient and self-entertaining. Just look at my livejournal: i post 6 times a year on average; most are about extreme events and landmarks (which dont happen often), and that's about how often i think to call people.
I have about 20 or so really close friends that all live far from here which i say hi to about once a year or see in person about the same. Then i came across a few friends in the neighborhood whom are very social and i Could see every week and always want me around. I'm just not used to that much attention.
Am I anti-social? hells-no. I just enjoy wandering the nooks and crannies of this world by myself. when i come across a social situation and i'm in the mood, i join in. When 'social' finds me, i've been trying to be more open to joining... but it's not really me. I'm a drifter; a nomad; a driver; a geek; and a fan of the outside world. I enjoy the world as it is, i dont need to be with other people to soak up all the greatness of it. I know there's great things i can also see if i have other people around to bounce opinions off of, or to get a different perspective from... but i'm selfish and i want my view untouched for a while first. I'm slow to figure things out or understand, so i want time (often at large, and often on my own) to absorb the world.
love me or not. please don't shun me... just know that teasing that i'm 'never around' is slightly anoying... though i do know it means you care and want me around.
maybe if apple comes out with a big PDA with wi-max... i will be more connected to you guys. but untill then... i will stay away from f'n computers as much as possible. Because, as some of you know, i work with them 'cause it's easy, not because i really love computers. I love what they Could be, not what they are.
Ok, so i think this is too long already, but i have to say one more thing:
I love you all (that's why i accept friend requests, dammit) and i'm TOO LAZY to post comments on ALL your sites! So if you're reading this, consider yourself having got a comment. Mua! ::Smooch::Hug::Tail-wag::
See y'all whenever!
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Squirrel Nut Zippers: The Inevitable: Track 3. [Aug. 20th, 2006|04:32 am]
[mood |bouncybouncy]
[music |SNZ... duh!]

"It's raining outside..."
"Well then, let me walk you to the rain?..."

::shakes head laughingly at life::
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This is what I've been aiming for... [Jun. 21st, 2006|06:57 am]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |low rider :-D]

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blah [May. 7th, 2006|01:07 pm]
[mood |exanimatesad, happy, sad, happy]
[music |end theme to 'School Rumble']

confessions from the depressed me:

I may charge ahead with a fire in my heart, wind in my sails, and not a care in the world when i take on life's challenges... but i fall apart at the slightest reminder of the fact that i'm alone. It hurts so much sometimes that I really wish i could cry in front of someone, but i can't.

I watch romantic-comedy type anime because it lets me get absorbed in other lives that, while fictional, i think have more potential for romantic success than my own.

I like urban exploration because i like to pretend i own the place... and i can do that easier if there's no one there, and it's something that i like... like civil engineering, or big new houses, or parks, or goverment offices.

I like the smell of food because the scent is not going to hurt my body... but it gives me some of the enjoyment of eating it.

I like to befriend people who are 'strange' or sociopaths because it's my hope that someone would like to aproach and befriend me while i am that way.

I like cats because they're intelligent, affectionate, and independent, yet sometimes they just dont want to be alone... like me, and they're a lot like someone i'd like to be with.

I admit this is really quite sad. But this is how i feel when i'm down. I have every piece of the puzzle in my life save one... romance.

btw, i wrote the above at noon today... then i went for a bike ride... now it's almost 9pm, and i'm flying high again. Still lonely... but the natural high of excersize works wonders to cure depression. I feel i could write a list of confessions from the 'happy' me, but i just feel like having fun instead of writing when i'm like that... and so you'll just read about my sad things, and know that i have happy ones too... i just don't care about sharing the latter :-P

ok ok... maybe one: I like to dance when i'm running... like fancy footwork while moving. It's so much better and easier for me than dancing in place... and it's more fun than running.

ok ok... maybe two: I don't care what you think of these thingys! I am Me, and when i'm on my highs, i feel it's your loss for not liking me the way i am!

ALRIGHT!! I'm in the swing of writing, so i'll just finish my 'high' confessions:

One of my favourite holidays is Halloween, because i can dress like a freaky piece of ass and everyone cheers me on for being the most outrageous. o_O

Another favourite holiday is the Summer Solstice... because it's the most sunlight in a day. I even go to the beach in the morning just so i can watch the sunrise, and go as far west or on top of a building to watch the sunset... just to get the most sunlight possible that day. It's been a yearly tradition for me. :-)

I only sing at work when i'm really happy for some reason (one of my bosses really eggs me on to sing so he's not the only one)... and when i'm in my car, I sing as loud and high as i can to all the girl parts to all the songs i have on my ipod.

I have a secret plan to rule the world. Right now, it's working perfectly... but procrastination has kept it from finishing. :-P Nobody read that...

Who put xanax in my drink?  ::thud::
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just a tiny accomplishment... [May. 3rd, 2006|05:59 pm]
[mood |hypertriumphant]
[music |Follow the bouncing ball (aphex twin)]

I just watched the film "Pi".

F'n awesome film. Well made, smart, different, and it's right on the money ;-)

If i had seen it five years ago... i probably would have been committed. Now that i've seen it, it reasures me that while i might have learned to understand things the hard way before, it didn't kill me, and i still understand them. And now, the wisdom isn't disturbing, it's enlightening. And even if it changes, i'm not going to worry about it, in fact... i probably wont care. Some of you know what i mean :-)

"Therefor... there are patterns... everywhere in nature" But patterns are merely an abstraction.
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U-E Adventures [Apr. 23rd, 2006|10:12 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |silence]

So... here i am in boston... heading north over the charlestown bridge to "Cambridge"
Cambridge is not north of the north end... Charlestown is. Which is why they named the bridge just that... ::curses to ones self::
Imagine seeing yourself over the charles river and realizing you're four miles east of where you need to be... and the only way west is over 20 lanes of highway, bridges, tunnels, train tracks, private buildings, and barbed wire fences. I could walk back south to get to boston and then take the correct bridge, but no, i'm stubborn and just want to go straight west.

One thing i've always been fascinated with is the massive bridgework done for the Big Dig. Just north of boston there lies one of the most complex systems of interchanges for different streets and a few tunnels... rivaled only by an even more complex system created just SOUTH of the 93 tunnel for the I-90 interchange. But since i'm right next to the Zakim bridge, and have always wanted to see it up close... i'm happy to be on the north side this night.

looking for a way west, but heading north, I happen uppon a small walkway with dr seuss style striped light poles lining it. It turns out to be part of a park not yet completed. While i may have happend upon signs telling me the place was closed... any U.E. adventurer sees signs as merely recomendations.

While my goal is to end up somewhere 4 miles north west of where i am... this path takes me directly south. Not in my intended direction, but it spits out right UNDER the Zakim bridge. The sight is beautiful. The bridge is luminated from the top with blue lights for effect, and there are these little diamond shaped holes in the bridge (originally intended as a way of letting sunlight through to the charles so that fish would not get lost in the bridge's shadow... i couldn't make that shit up) which let the blue light illuminate the entire atrium sized area under the bridge. Now when i say Atrium... imagine a pile of sticks all staggered and criscrossing, with the tallest ones in the middle, and the shorter ones to the outside (there's four running north to south, and four east to west) and they form a huge space beneath them. This is, to me, a beautiful sight.

After enjoying the view for a long moment... I started my long treck north again.

Little did i know, my night peaked there. Heading north under the zakim leads you to nowhere's land. It also leads you to places i can't divulge over the internet without some prick officer happening upon my blog and busting me for circumstantial evidence of trespassing. While fascinating to me, all i can say is that there were lots of train tracks, highways, rubble, parking lots (though, i started hated parking lots after the fifth one with a fence around it... it was getting REALLY tiring), and barbed wire (much of which was put up for my safety... so i heeded those warnings).

It took me until 2 in the morning to get on to webster ave after talking to three cops (stupid cops), five locals (stupid locals), and some college kids (smart college kids... they knew where the place was).

When i got through the last mile and made it to the towing company... I had warn out my mind from over-stimulation, and too much fucking walking... i couldn't speak right. I started thinking it was going to be weird driving home after all this... and after i get to the lot, get in my car (check to make sure it's not busted), and start home... i DID feel weird. The physical things i expected... my hands hurt from them swinging at my sides and all the blood settling into them, my face was numb, and my body ached. But I walked so long that i had gone from wanting to walk, to getting excited about walking, to being just plain excited, then getting tired of walking, wondering when it would end, wondering if it would end, pondering my life, not pondering at all and finaly just walking blindly and not caring.

Did i not say it was an adventure? (i'm a glutten for punishment... we know that) Once i drove home I immedately checked out Google maps and figured my path. I walked about 10 miles with all the aimless wandering. All of it was fun, now that i look back on it. It's now something i can point out... and i plan to take some of my U.E. friends in boston to some of these places when we get the chance.

::zip:: it goes in my file as another memory... to be cracked open later... or forgotten. I'll always have to do this again sometime.
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An Adventure in Boston... [Apr. 16th, 2006|09:07 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |topaz3in6@mac.com]
[mood |highin awe]
[music |Delerium: Karma]

Hello everyone, been a while since i've posted... but i wont apologize, i'll just write.

So I started my Saturday (yesterday) with the intention of dusting the winter off my car (getting my good wheels and tires on, changing my oil with something more slick, maybe a washing and rain-x)... and taking it out for a spin with my friends. It would turn out to be the beginning of a long, unanticipated adventure.

So, right after 'summerizing' my car, I headed to Tiffany/Cliff's place in Avon for some conversation and lunch/dinner. We then just sat around the house for a while, and i was getting antsy anticipating the date i was going on this comming wednesday, so i was getting bored and wanted to go for a walk in the Wharf Park in boston (Columbus Park?). They're all done for the evening, so i go by myself. I like self-fulfilling exsitentialist walks in the park.

I park. I walk around. Cool stuff there... a big top circus happened to be set up in Gov't Center. Neat.

I walk back. Car's gone.

My car was towed. Little did I know that there was a sign at one end of the little street that said the whole street was residential parking only... and no other signs. But anyways... i can piss and moan, or i can turn my frown upside down and make it a lesson learned. In fact... I called up the place that towed my car, and decided to walk to wherever they were so i could reflect.

"We're at 333 Webster Ave in Cambridge... hey wait... you're the kid in the Black Hat?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"Nice car, kid... by the way, we're exactly 4 miles north of where you parked"
"thanks, i might be a while, but i'll be there."

Scary... i've got a reputation already? ::grinn::

Anyways, walking. 4 miles, huh? i figure the average speed walking is about 4mph, right? so it'll take me 1 hour... but that could be as the crow flies, so i'll double that and figure i might have to find a creative route.

I DID. Though 'creative' is not the word. It was an Adventure in Urban Exploration of epic proportions!

To Be Continued...
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a meme thingy... hope you enjoy. i barely did. [Sep. 27th, 2005|10:11 pm]
[mood |drunkzen]
[music |the sound of my fan in the background]

LJ Interests meme results

  1. armenia:
    a lost country... and my heritage. because of this, i'm often mistaken as jewish... but only by those who aren't. I love the history... especially having survived it.
  2. ceremonyboston:
    a gothic party in boston's An Tua Nua. I love the music, and the people. It may not be a big part of my life, but it's there.
  3. contra dancing:
    ah... the tried, failed, tried again, and barely-squeeking-by past-time of country line dancing on fiddle steroids. it's fun if you either know what you're doing... or have someone special to do it with. I had the latter once...
  4. fine arts:
    i think i need to add 'center' to the end of this interest... because that's the building i've built most of my friendships in.
  5. humility:
    who doesn't love punishment for a purpose? i mean... c'mon! ok, maybe i just like knowing my limits, and where i'm welcomed... and steered clear of where i've gone too far.
  6. linux:
    the flag-bearer of 2nd-rate software advocates everywhere.
  7. patience.:
    something i have. used to have too much of, but since learning when and where to use it... it has become a virtue and a powerful tool.
  8. semiconductors:
    grey-matter's replacement... maybe.
  9. technology:
    what keeps me employed, entertained, and alive... yet does little else. what ever happened to 'women' ?!? i know i have more humane things in my interests... why all this crap having been picked for this stupid meme?!? I like girls more than i like technology! Man... i need to fix this list someday. Oh yeah... 'procrastination'...
  10. zippo:
    fire. the beginning of the end for humanity. yet mine has a cool little infinity symbol engraved on the front. maybe someday we'll get it that it's an infinite LOOP for a reason!

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

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Took a while... but here's the first chapter! [Sep. 10th, 2005|09:36 pm]
[mood |chipperchipper]
[music |Paul Van Dyk]

Since this will be a huge post... i'm doing as suggested by EtoilePB: a LJ cut thingy (Hope this works).
Anyways... this file i wrote in two nights in November of 2004 as the beginning of an attempt at the NaNoWriMo challenge... and what better topic for me to take a stab at besides my favourite book: the original "Utopia" written by Thomas More.
The first half of that book is just a conversation between Thomas himself, and a charachter who claims to have been to the 'perfect' world, Raphael Hithloday (meaning Helping Peddler of Nonsense in Greek). In the same light, I started my chapter introducing two geeks/thinkers who love to come up with 'stuff'. I dont believe i even got into the 'stuff' part, but in two nights of rambling to start a novel, i think i got some of the charachter building done. So... without further delay: Chapter 0Collapse )
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