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blah - Catching my Drifts... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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blah [May. 7th, 2006|01:07 pm]
[mood |exanimatesad, happy, sad, happy]
[music |end theme to 'School Rumble']

confessions from the depressed me:

I may charge ahead with a fire in my heart, wind in my sails, and not a care in the world when i take on life's challenges... but i fall apart at the slightest reminder of the fact that i'm alone. It hurts so much sometimes that I really wish i could cry in front of someone, but i can't.

I watch romantic-comedy type anime because it lets me get absorbed in other lives that, while fictional, i think have more potential for romantic success than my own.

I like urban exploration because i like to pretend i own the place... and i can do that easier if there's no one there, and it's something that i like... like civil engineering, or big new houses, or parks, or goverment offices.

I like the smell of food because the scent is not going to hurt my body... but it gives me some of the enjoyment of eating it.

I like to befriend people who are 'strange' or sociopaths because it's my hope that someone would like to aproach and befriend me while i am that way.

I like cats because they're intelligent, affectionate, and independent, yet sometimes they just dont want to be alone... like me, and they're a lot like someone i'd like to be with.

I admit this is really quite sad. But this is how i feel when i'm down. I have every piece of the puzzle in my life save one... romance.

btw, i wrote the above at noon today... then i went for a bike ride... now it's almost 9pm, and i'm flying high again. Still lonely... but the natural high of excersize works wonders to cure depression. I feel i could write a list of confessions from the 'happy' me, but i just feel like having fun instead of writing when i'm like that... and so you'll just read about my sad things, and know that i have happy ones too... i just don't care about sharing the latter :-P

ok ok... maybe one: I like to dance when i'm running... like fancy footwork while moving. It's so much better and easier for me than dancing in place... and it's more fun than running.

ok ok... maybe two: I don't care what you think of these thingys! I am Me, and when i'm on my highs, i feel it's your loss for not liking me the way i am!

ALRIGHT!! I'm in the swing of writing, so i'll just finish my 'high' confessions:

One of my favourite holidays is Halloween, because i can dress like a freaky piece of ass and everyone cheers me on for being the most outrageous. o_O

Another favourite holiday is the Summer Solstice... because it's the most sunlight in a day. I even go to the beach in the morning just so i can watch the sunrise, and go as far west or on top of a building to watch the sunset... just to get the most sunlight possible that day. It's been a yearly tradition for me. :-)

I only sing at work when i'm really happy for some reason (one of my bosses really eggs me on to sing so he's not the only one)... and when i'm in my car, I sing as loud and high as i can to all the girl parts to all the songs i have on my ipod.

I have a secret plan to rule the world. Right now, it's working perfectly... but procrastination has kept it from finishing. :-P Nobody read that...

Who put xanax in my drink?  ::thud::

[User Picture]From: beth60
2006-05-19 02:51 am (UTC)
Rich! Tell me about it! It's excruciating to feel so alone. My life isn't where I intend it to be yet, so I tell myself that I can't make any serious effort to find a "buddy" because it wouldn't realistically work out, but that doesn't ease the loneliness. I keep throwing myself into my favorite interests and dreams, not able to actually act many of them but always planning for someday, forever searching for the meaning of life through my favorite music, road trips, creative writing, and so on. I keep thinking the odds will improve once I quit my day job and start working temp gigs, so I'll have time during the day to goof off or pursue creative projects, but of course, during the day is when everyone is working, so that won't help me in finding companionship either. Ultimately I keep hoping that life will completely turn around when I finally have plans in place to move far away (hopefully to Tucson, Arizona), but as eager as I am for that day (which actually isn't that far off now), I'm so scared that I'll go out there only to end up more alone than ever, howling at the desert moon. Pardon the cheesy metaphor, but that's how I feel, plus I've gotten in the habit of trying to relieve some of my feelings by writing bad poetry and stories. Anyway, fear not, you're not alone in feeling those emotions and doing the things you do to try to escape them. Someday it'll be our turn, Chode!
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